I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
