He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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