If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
