hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
