Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize