hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
