new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
