Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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