end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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