Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
