So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
No subtext here. People are naked.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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