I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
