If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
