I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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