I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
