I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
