Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
