im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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