Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Randomize
