I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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