and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
