He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
