Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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