There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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