ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
A bitchslap is in order.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
