Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize