The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
