Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
well most of my day revolves around power hour
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
