Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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