All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
she looked like the before picture.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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