I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
