I'm going to jail i love you
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
