You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
