I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
