....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
