I'll bet she douches with gravy.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
