It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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