i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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