He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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