the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My ass is underappreciated
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
