Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
