i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize