so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
