Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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