i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
