the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
