I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
