the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
So squirting runs in the family.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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