I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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