I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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