I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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