the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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