I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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