Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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