Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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