I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
