i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
