woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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