okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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