I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
