im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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