Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
