She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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