I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
