I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
