On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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