You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
