Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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