I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
